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150 Best Jokes Ever — Jokes That Are Actually Funny

Everyone claims to have the "best jokes ever" — this page can prove it. These 150 jokes are the highest hit-rate jokes from every corner of FunnyJokes.fun: the ones that get laughs at parties, win group chats, and survive being told by your uncle at Thanksgiving.

We ranked them by one metric only: the chance a real person actually laughs. Each section below links to its full collection if you want to go deeper. Need jokes for a specific audience instead? Try jokes to tell your friends or the joke of the day.

👨 Dad Jokes ⚡ One-Liner Jokes 😂 Jokes to Tell Your Friends 😄 Clean Jokes 🌚 Dark Jokes

The 30 Greatest Jokes of All Time

1
A guy walks into a library and asks for books on paranoia. The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you..."
2
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
3
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
4
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
5
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
6
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
7
I told my suitcase there's no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
8
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
9
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You have my Word.
10
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.
11
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.
12
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
13
I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
14
My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up, man, it could be worse. You could be underground in a coffin." So I cheered up — things could be worse!
15
A man got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke. Thankfully, it was a soft drink.
16
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
17
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
18
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
19
I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.
20
A rubber band pistol was confiscated in class. It was a weapon of math disruption.
21
The man who invented autocorrect died last week. His funnel will be held next Monday.
22
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
23
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
24
What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
25
I have a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.
26
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
27
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me KitKat ads.
28
Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? For drizzle, my nizzle.
29
A carrot and a tomato were walking down the street. The carrot got hit by a car. The tomato said, "Ketchup, carrot!" — then realized the severity of the situation.
30
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Jokes That Are Actually Funny (Not Just Internet Famous)

31
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"
32
Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've ducked.
33
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse, being unable to comprehend human language, defecates on the floor and leaves.
34
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
35
My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday. So I went to the pet shop and bought him a puppy — he'll figure it out.
36
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
37
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's a coincidence.
38
I asked my boss if I could leave early. He said, "Only if you make up the time." I said, "Sure — it's 4:30."
39
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type-o."
40
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
41
A woman got fired from the calendar factory. All she did was take a day off.
42
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
43
I know a joke about time travel... wait, I already told you this one.
44
My grandpa always told me, "When one door closes, another opens." A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
45
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I asked for a second opinion. He said, "Okay — eleven months."
46
Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
47
I used to think I was a quick reader. Then I realized I was just skimming the surface.
48
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
49
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him at chess? "Check-matey!"
50
The teacher asked, "If I had six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what would I have?" A student answered, "Very large hands."
51
I failed math so many times at school, I can't even count.
52
A ghost and a zombie went to a party. The ghost had a boo-last, the zombie just decayed quietly in the corner.
53
My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back — she just went to get coffee.
54
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
55
Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.
56
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well-dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.
57
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
58
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised — and yes, this joke still works, that's the miracle.
59
A panda walks into a bar, eats a sandwich, pulls out a gun, and fires into the ceiling. The bartender screams, "Why?!" The panda tosses him a wildlife encyclopedia and says, "Look me up." The entry reads: "Panda. Eats shoots and leaves."
60
People say I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid. But I can stop whenever I want.

Best Story Jokes (Worth the Setup)

61
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says, "Dad, can't you use a sponge?"
62
An old man walks into a bar looking miserable. The bartender asks what's wrong. "I just got diagnosed with Alzheimer's," he says. The bartender replies, "Oh no — but look on the bright side: you get to meet new people every day."
63
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping. They pitch a tent and fall asleep. At 3 a.m., Holmes wakes up. "Watson, look up. What do you see?" Watson says, "Millions of stars." "And what does that tell you?" Watson thinks: "Astronomically, there are billions of galaxies. Astrologically, Saturn is in Leo. What does it tell you?" Holmes says: "Watson, you idiot — somebody stole our tent."
64
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens it and sees a snail on the doorstep. He throws the snail across the yard. Two years later, another knock. He opens the door. The snail says: "What was that all about?"
65
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Furious, she sits down next to a man, who asks, "Are you okay?" She says, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go tell him off. I'll hold your monkey."
66
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician go hunting. The engineer shoots and misses 2 meters to the left. The physicist shoots and misses 2 meters to the right. The statistician jumps up and yells, "We got it!"
67
A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I've broken my arm in three places." The doctor says, "Well, stop going to those places."
68
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, "Any luggage?" "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
69
Three men are stranded on an island. They find a genie who grants each one wish. The first says, "I want to go home." Poof — gone. The second says the same. Poof. The third looks around and says, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back."
70
A man brings his dog to the vet. "Doc, my dog's cross-eyed. Can you help?" The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?!" "No, because he's heavy."
71
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
72
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
73
A guy dies and arrives at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "To get in, you need to score 100 points. Tell me about yourself." The man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated." "Great — 3 points." "I volunteered at a shelter every Sunday." "Excellent — 2 points." Panicking, the man says, "At this rate, only God's grace will get me in!" St. Peter smiles: "Grace — 95 points. Come on in."
74
An octopus walks into a bar and says, "I can play any instrument you've got." A guy hands him a guitar — the octopus shreds. A trumpet — jazz solo. Then a Scot hands him bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute. The Scot says, "Ha! Can ye no play it?" The octopus says, "Play it? I'm going to snog it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
75
A sloth walks into a bar waving his arms. The bartender says, "Why the hurry?"

The World's Funniest Jokes (According to Science)

76
In 2002, psychologist Richard Wiseman ran LaughLab, the largest study ever to find the world's funniest joke. The winner: Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing. The other calls 911: "My friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead." Silence. Then a gunshot. Back on the line: "Okay, now what?"
77
The top American joke from the same study: A man and his friend are hiking when a bear attacks. The man throws on running shoes. His friend laughs, "You can't outrun a bear!" The man replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you."
78
The study's funniest animal joke: A dog goes into a telegram office, takes a form, and writes: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk checks it and says, "That's only nine words. You can add one more 'Woof' for free." The dog says, "But then it wouldn't make any sense."
79
Sherlock and Watson's stolen tent joke — listed above — was the study's runner-up in the UK.
80
The German winner (translated): A general visits the sick soldiers. He asks the first, "What do you need?" "A phone call home, sir." Asks the second: "And you?" "A letter home." Asks the third, who is giggling: "What's so funny?" The soldier says, "I'm the one with the phone call."
81
The study's funniest joke in Canada: When NASA first started sending astronauts into space, they discovered pens wouldn't work in zero gravity. Scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that worked anywhere. The Russians used a pencil.

Best Clean Jokes for Any Audience

82
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
83
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
84
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.
85
What's a computer's favorite snack? Microchips.
86
Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept.
87
What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunder-wear.
88
Why did the cookie cry? Because its mom was a wafer so long.
89
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
90
How does the moon cut its hair? Eclipse it.
91
Why couldn't the pony sing? He was a little horse.
92
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
93
Why did the math book look sad? Too many problems.
94
What do you call a fish without eyes? A fsh.
95
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks? In case he got a hole in one — the footwear edition.
96
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"
97
Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
98
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
99
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
100
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
101
Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.

Best Jokes for Adults (Still Clean)

102
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
103
I gave up my seat on the bus to an elderly person. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
104
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
105
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
106
Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
107
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
108
Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.
109
I love being married. It's great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
110
We've been married for 20 years, but we still hold hands. Well, when we're in the car — so I don't fall out.
111
The doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
112
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
113
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
114
I'm at the age where my back goes out more than I do.
115
Retirement is the only time you can have the time of your life without actually doing anything.
116
My memory's not what it used to be. Also, my memory's not what it used to be.

Quick-Fire Round: Jokes You Can Memorize in 5 Seconds

117
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
118
Don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
119
Whiteboards are remarkable.
120
Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at.
121
Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
122
Velcro — what a rip-off.
123
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
124
5/4 of people admit they're bad at fractions.
125
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
126
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
127
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
128
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
129
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
130
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
131
What did one hat say to the other? "You stay here, I'll go on ahead."

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Frequently Asked Questions

What is the funniest joke ever told?

By research, the hunters-and-911 joke from the LaughLab study (number 1 in our science section above). In practice, the funniest joke ever is the one your specific audience hasn't heard yet — which is why this list has 150.

What makes a joke actually funny?

Surprise plus timing. Your listener's brain predicts where the sentence is going; the punchline hijacks that prediction. The best jokes also make the listener feel smart for getting it.

What jokes work for every audience?

Universal jokes avoid politics, insults, and anything requiring context. Physical comedy, wordplay, and absurdity travel best — see the clean jokes section above for 20 proven crowd-pleasers.

How do I remember jokes when I need them?

Memorize the punchline first, then the setup. Our trick: bookmark this page — 150 jokes sorted by occasion beats a blank stare at a party every time.